Practicing self-compassion and kindness
As we approach World Kindness Day on Thursday, November 13, it’s a time to reflect on the power of self-compassion and kindness — not only toward others, but also toward ourselves. Working as a therapist in a large group practice in Chicago’s Loop keeps me connected to the city’s collective mood — the spirit of the times. It is easy to notice the patterns that emerge when many of our clients face similar challenges. Some of these patterns are seasonal: winter depression, spring fever, autumnal melancholy. This fall, the monster that rears its head feels like a many-headed hydra of body shame and FOMO. Family gatherings, loud events, and the tension of returning to crowded spaces after time apart can feel overwhelming.
Chicago is alive with the crisp energy of fall — the streets lined with golden leaves, the scent of roasted nuts drifting from vendors, and the hum of visitors taking in the last outdoor festivals before winter sets in.
Our office sits across from Millennium Park, where people gather to enjoy the changing colors and the final concerts of the season. There’s still a sense of pressure in the air to stay busy and make the most of things before the cold returns. We rush to reconnect and make up for lost time. Yet for many of us, that push to keep doing can feel overwhelming when what we may really need is to slow down, reflect, and turn inward.
Recognizing Emotional Patterns in Every Season
Many of us are still carrying the weight of ongoing uncertainty, collective tension, and loss. As the seasons change, so do our reflections. For some, this means confronting unwanted changes in their bodies, routines, and relationships while trying to navigate a world that feels increasingly divided and demanding. After years of adapting to new norms, it can feel strangely vulnerable to show up fully. Whether in public, at work, or with friends, we may feel exposed. We may find ourselves questioning how we look, what we say, or whether we even belong — and our inner critic can launch into overdrive. You’ve changed so much. Everyone is noticing. That was such a stupid thing to say. You’re so awkward. You’re a failure. The mental hamster wheel spins faster and faster, shame circling back on itself until the familiar refrain takes hold: You’re bad. You’re bad. You’re bad.
When Shame Spirals — practicing self-compassion and kindness
Oof! I feel such heaviness in my chest even writing these words. What can we do when we find ourselves caught in this whirlwind of relentless self-criticism, the experience that contemplative psychologist Tara Brach refers to as “the trance of unworthiness?”
The antidote to shame is compassion. Human beings crave compassion and understanding. Despite their simplicity, it can be a life-changing experience to finally hear the words, “I hear that you are having a really hard time right now.” Practicing self-compassion and kindness during these moments helps calm the inner critic and create space for healing.
Interrupting the Cycle of Self-Criticism
When shame begins to spiral, mindfulness can help us pause and reconnect with self-compassion and kindness. The goal isn’t to silence the inner critic completely but to meet it with awareness and warmth. By naming our emotions, we take the first step toward softening their power.
The RAIN of Self-Compassion — practicing self-compassion and kindness
Dr. Brach developed the “RAIN of self-compassion,” based on traditional Buddhist teachings. It gently guides us to interrupt the shame spiral, listen deeply, and offer ourselves compassion. You can learn more about this approach in Tara Brach’s article on the RAIN of Self-Compassion.
This practice offers a mindful path toward self-compassion and kindness, enabling us to respond to shame with patience rather than judgment.
Recognize what is going on.
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
Investigate with interest and care.
Nourish with self-compassion.
Applying the RAIN Practice in Daily Life
The first step to breaking out of the shame spiral is to realize that we’re in it. Oh, wow, I am really picking on myself for how my body looks lately. I’m so paranoid and anxious and filled with self-hate. The second step is a little harder — allow the feeling to be there, the way it is. It can be scary to let ourselves fully feel our feelings.
Sometimes we worry that we’ll get stuck there forever. However, when we give ourselves permission to be human — to feel worry, fear, and disappointment — we realize that all feelings eventually pass. It just hurts so much to be me right now. I feel so worried that everyone is looking at my arms. My face is hot with shame, and my chest feels tight, and I feel lonely and embarrassed.
Exploring Emotions with Curiosity and Care
What does it mean to investigate with interest and care? Master teacher Thich Nhat Hanh encourages us to cradle difficult emotions like a parent comforting a child. Perhaps we might place our hand on our chest, right over the achy spot in our heart. You might hold a stuffed animal or hug a pet.
We can offer ourselves the same tender patience we’d give a small child. What is this feeling trying to tell us? Where did this criticism come from — who said this hurtful thing first? Could there be another explanation for the story we are telling ourselves? Tara Brach invites us to consider that the story our shame tells may feel real but isn’t true. What powerful words! How freeing to accept pain without believing it means something is wrong with us.
Through these steps, we create space for self-compassion and kindness to emerge, reminding ourselves that imperfection is part of being human.
The final step is another one that sounds simple but takes real practice to master. How do we nourish ourselves with self-compassion? Both Dr. Brach and Thich Nhat Hanh suggest connecting to the idea that our experiences are part of what makes us human.
Shame and self-doubt are universal human experiences. Their teachings remind us that compassion enables us to reconnect with our shared humanity and find acceptance in imperfection. Embracing this truth is central to self-compassion and kindness, which invite gentleness toward our imperfections.
Practical Ways to Call Upon Love — practicing self-compassion and kindness
Another way to practice self-compassion is to understand our triggers and plan ahead. A holiday gathering can bring fat-shaming comments from relatives. You might worry about overeating to punish yourself for feeling ashamed. How can you call upon love? One way might be to schedule a quick check-in with a close friend during the event. Talking it out can help release what you’re holding inside. Or you might call upon love for yourself and set a boundary with family members by saying, “I will no longer be responding to comments about my body or eating habits. I haven’t commented on your body, so please don’t comment on mine.”
Setting Boundaries and Practicing Self-Care
If there are any family members you can call upon as allies, perhaps they might be willing to speak up on your behalf — enlist their help in advance. You might create a playlist of relaxing music and take a quick walk around the block, or offer to take out the trash.
At the end of the event, show yourself extra kindness as a reward for getting through it. You might go home and take a long, hot shower or spend some time stretching and gently caring for your body. Have a dance party with the cat, or rewatch your favorite TV show, or get in bed early under a weighted blanket and let yourself rest.
These intentional choices reflect everyday self-compassion and kindness — small but powerful ways to care for our emotional well-being.
Each of these small acts of self-compassion and kindness can help you recover your balance.
Closing Thoughts for World Kindness Day — practicing self-compassion and kindness
Practicing self-compassion and kindness reminds us that healing is a process that takes time and gentle care.
We all navigate visible and invisible challenges. The pressure to appear “fine” often hides the pain we carry. Healing begins with gentleness. We can allow ourselves to rest and offer inward the same compassion we give to others. Only through self-compassion and kindness can we begin to soften shame and rediscover the peace of simply being human.
If you’re ready to explore these practices more deeply, consider joining Mind Body Co-op’s Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion Group, where you can learn practical tools to quiet your inner critic and cultivate lasting kindness toward yourself.